differentiation

I have been thinking about life.  My life. Yours.  What is a human to do during his time?  When people ask me what I have been up to I say,"nothing really."  If I am feeling particularly engaged I may say, "I do the same things you do.  I eat and do the stuff." or something like that.  We humans have a way of asking others what they are up to.  It is ingrained in my experience.  I don't know if it is different elsewhere.  The thing that I like asking is, "What do you know?"  or "Are you feeling engaged in your life?"  "Do you feel loved?"  "Do you like your parents?  Do they like you?"  I don't know that it is fair for me to ask those things but I have slipped into a pattern of asking them.  There is so much going on under the surface of any given human.  I think if I were to commit to my line of questioning that I would find that there is a lot of anxiety about life and living in most humans.  We are very circumspect with our images and impressions when we share with others.  We, the less cynical of us, tend to share the things that are "good" about what we are doing or about our notions of where we are going.  We have a desire to be recognized for who we are.  We imagine that we are a thing or  an idea that embodies the essence of something that we imagine to be good.  The notion of goodness is a reference to the notion that there are things that are not good.   We don't want to be average good.  We want to be exceptionally good.  The reality of this is that what we are desiring is to be better than most people.  We want to be judged by ourselves or others as being of greater value or more highly differentiated than others.

I really don't want to knock on the desire to feel special or distinguished.  I think it is really important that we have certain relationships where we are esteemed highly and greatly appreciated for "who we are."  This is really good in romantic relationships, in families, and in friendships to a degree.  We need to be exceptionally loved.  I will say that there is something great about being loved for who we are by these people, but what is greater than that is to be loved by these people because of who we are not.  True love is something that sees the other for who they are and who they are not and gives love regardless of where the loved one falls in that spectrum.   I can't even think that this love is something that would be easy for any of us to give, but it is absolutely necessary for any relationship to thrive.  Without the willingness to love any relationship will come to a relatively quick end.  These relationships end because one or both parties is unable to love the other and compensate for the other's weakness by extending them grace.   This really is not my point My point is that we have a natural framework for understanding ourselves that is highly influenced from our desire to be distinguished from others.   We will either imagine that we are distinguished, although maybe unrefined and yet to be discovered for being who we are (aka...life is going to be awesome all I have to do is make the right decisions and meet the right people and I will be discovered for being the great person that I am), or we we will imagine that we are not great and everyone already realizes it (aka...I hope they don't find out the truth about the depth of how icky I am).   These are the two polarities of the scale that we put ourself to.  I have a suspicion that there are fewer in the middle of this scale.  This is not a healthy approach to life.

Life should not be perceived through the lenses of how we imagine we compare to others.  Neither should we be concerned how we actually compare to others, not that we could ever truly know.  We should be primarily concerned with our character and integrity.  I use the term integrity a lot and I want to be very clear what I mean by it.  When I use the term I mean being a person who is integrated.   Being integrated is a state of living in accordance to the the things that we believe or desire to believe more in.  This is a process.  Being integrated means that when you tell someone that you care about them that you are willing to put forth great effort to convey that to them.  This doesn't mean you make a big display in bursts of romanticism but that you convey it in the long term making small bursts of displays that are icing on the cake.  It means that we don't lie to ourselves about the ways we are actually living in comparison to the way that we believe in living.  Once again this is not my point.  What I am saying is that we should view ourselves in the light of Christ.  We need our hearts and mind to be illuminated by the revelation of God's love for us.  This is not a love for who we are.  It is a love for who we are not.  It is a love that is inherent in the heart of God for you that has nothing to do with our performance.  The knowledge of God's love for us is the thing that inspires integration and purity of heart and mind.  It is God's heart for us to know Him!  The more we begin to know who He is the more we become wrapped up in Him.  The more we see of His beauty the more beautiful our hearts and minds become.  There is the notion that God loves us.  He does.  This love is essentially ineffective if we do not receive it.  We need to receive this implanted Word with meekness.  I have to be consumed with the knowledge of His love for it to takes its greatest effect.  In order for us to receive this love we must let go of the paradigm of being distinguished from others.  If anything we will find that we are exactly like others, that we are no different.  We all fall short. We fall short by a great distance.   There is an unfathomable canyon between the falling short with our greatest efforts and the mark of our aim.  I think that the purified lover of God rejoices  in the greatness of the disparity of the canyon that is between the individual and God.  It is the greatness of the canyon that distinguishes the love of God from what any of us have to offer.  The greater the obstacle the greater the love that pushes past the obstacle.  I am in no way saying to be satisfied with sin in our lives, but rather that asking God to reveal His love for us is the function that brings the reception of His love into our lives.   I am having a hard time explaining it.  I have experienced it.  I know more than I can say.  The nature of beauty is a humbling reality for those who have eyes to see.  When you "see" the beauty of a flower and God says, "I have clothed you in a greater splendor than this flower." and your heart cries out, "how could I be clothed in such a splendor?  why would you give me this on your account?  how could I possibly be so beautiful?" you begin to understand the nature of beauty.  Beauty reveals on one side of who we really are...people who are a bit deceitful and wicked...yet how God chooses to see us on His account.  One who is humbled by this experience of revelation will inevitably extend this account to others.  This is the Law of Love.

On coming here to write I had in my mind a list of things that I am "doing" or should be doing.  It has never once crossed my mind to question whether or not I was interesting.  I am interested in things.  People who are not interested in things are not interesting.  It may be interesting that someone is not interesting but that has very little potential for concern for me.  I have very little interest in being interesting.  There are too many things to be interested in to be concerned with thoughts like being interesting.   To be fair.  I want like one or three people to feel that I am interesting and then after that it really doesn't matter.  I don't want my life to be motivated by an obligation to be anything other than "The one who God loves!"  With that in mind I still do things and want to do things and feel obligated to do things.  Here is a list that is more a more accurate answer to the question of, "Whats up with you?"

This is a list of things that I am: 1. Doing.  2.  Should be doing.  3.  Concerned with  4.  Should be concerned with

1.  Making:  Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner
2.  Planning Formal and Informal Get Togethers Involving Food or Entertainment
3.  Planning Career Advancement at Work
4.  Planning Life Advancement in Relation to Career & Elective Business Pursuits (start a business)
5.  Save money for Savings
6.  Save money for Engagement, Dating, Honeymoon Trip, Wedding Expenses
7.  Buy Things That Seem Needed--Better Cars, Houses, Clothes, Equipment for Entertainment
8.  Participate in Church Society
9.  Become A Better Musician (Guitar, Bass, Keys, Marimba, Woodwinds, Reeds, Drums)
10 Become A Better Music Producer (learn Logic, Ableton Live, Hardware Research, Song Form)
11 Relearn Things Forgotten and Build on Things Remembered from BA in Music
12 Write A Book On Loving Relationships Between Men and Women
13 Prepare for a Loving Relationship with a Woman (see above...hehe...jk)
14 Apply for and earn Phd in Psychology and Divinity
15 Begin Designing & Making Acoustic Guitars
16 Begin Designing & Making Electric Guitars, Harps, Archtop Guitars, Pipe Organs
17 Do all the research and Make Equipment and Jigs for Instrument Making
18 Continue to Learn and Become More Adept at Fly Fishing, do the same for Cowboy Fishing
19 Start Skateboarding Again
20 Learn about Electricity Begin to Design & Manipulated Circuitry to Make Things Do What I Want
21 Read More Directly about Philosophical History
22 Read More Directly about Science, Art, History, and Important Literary Texts
23 Continue Attending "Guy Night" Consider Creating a "Secret Society with Sweet Sweaters"
24 Try Recruit More People To Wednesday Prayer Night at My House
25 Make Music With Luke
26 Make My Own Record in a Medium Paced Post-Adult Contemporary Punk Manner
27 Consider Laying Down The Framework for the Next Grace Classical Academy Record
28 Practice for and Play Shows with The Collective (Drums)
29 Start a Worship Band
30 Go to the Grocery Store At Least Weekly
31 Finish Remodeling My House (Small Details, Build  large Deck, Make Bedroom Upstairs, Garden)
32 Learn more about Gardening
33 Spend more time with Lecil (my cat)
34 Develop a plan for Retirement and Funds for Children's College
35 Develop Teaching Program: things that are Interesting and Useful (so your kids are brilliant)
36 Go Camping and Canoeing more
37 Keep running 16 miles a week (sometimes)
38 Read my Bible Daily in a Way That Matters - no less than 30 minutes a day
39 Maintain an Internet Presence - This Blog, Begin Writing for Theomag (relationships and theology)
40 Spend Quality Time with my Girlfriend, Make Her Feel More Special than Anyone I Know
41 Be a Great Uncle to 5 kids (Isaac, Eli, Natalie, Cash, Landon) Individual Time, Group Time
42 Be a friend and son to my Mom
43 Increase My connection to family (Christine, Scott, Sam, Roy, Madelyn, Logan, Suzanne, Reed, Richard, Justin, Boy, Francis, Christina, Dad)
44  Maintain Important Friendships (Garon & Lindsay, Dante & Meghan, Stu & Heather, Ty, Jacob, Ryan, Phil, Phil & Christina,Jarrett & Sage, Josh, Luke & Neisha, Tom & Michelle, Michael & Natalie,  Nate & Kara, Brent & Sara, Chris & Lauren,  trying to make this list after a nice beer was a bad idea, Dave & Julie, Wayne & Kami, Aaron,  Autumn,  Andrea, Andy & Holli, Andy, Arin & Genavieve, Paul,  Carroll, Dan & Julie, Donnie, Heidi, Kody, Ian & Rachel, Jason & Angela, Jeff & Julie, Tyler & Erin,  Taylor & Shawna, Matt & Lindsay, Jordan & Casey, Jess & Kelly, Joe & Charlie,  John & Becca,  Jordan, Junior and Sandra, Mackenzie, Mandy & Bill, Lauren & Micah, Michelle, Niki & Paul, Paul, Rick & Janett, Scott & Holli, Sean & Erin, Thomas, Tyer  & Erin, Will.
45 Become Better friends with Some above and Make new friendships.  I was going to make a list here and you are likely on it and it is important to me that you are.  If you would be on this list it is because I appreciate you but have spent less time with you.  I may like you more than the people on the #44 list hehe.  I will not make this list because it is making me tired


my point is that this list is not nearly complete.  there is something wrong when a list of 45 things all have significant importance.  this list could not be juggled in a way to be effective or manageable.  I have a suspicion that your list may be like this or maybe worse.  This is a modern conception of what a could be important to someone in a life.  Someone may even begin to judge themselves by a standard that has as few as 45 points of measurement on it.  The existential burden of having to be all these things is too much.  Understand that I have no real desire to let go of anything on my list.  I fully judge myself by all of these things to determine if I am "adding up".  As ridiculous as it seems I still do not want to let go of one measure of these things because I have a notion that I am distinguished from others.  I should be able to be exceptional in all of these areas.  This is directly tied to the notions of paradox of choice. I can imagine that i can be all things even if they conflict by nature.  I can be spontaneous yet very stable and safe.  I can be funny and dead serious,  I can be romantic and scientific,  I can be religious and worldly.  I can be tall and short.  My girlfriend can be anything good that I can imagine.  She can be at once with big boobs and small boobs because they are both great.  She can be everything that I desire and nothing that I do not.  Please hear what I am saying.  I am making fun of all of us because this is how we think.  Gals may want a guy they cant have because he by nature of being out of their reach creates desire within them, yet when they get him realize that what desire he created by being absent only sends the search elsewhere when they realize that he was a joke of a man and had no quality other than being a liar willing to stoop to smoke and mirrors to get attention.  Life lived in this manner is what one might call unfulfilling and shallow.

We must find our fulfillment and desire within the presence of God.  God does not create desires within us that lead us out of His presence.  He does not give us dreams that lead us away from Him.  All of those desires are generated within ourselves.  The desire for things is not from God.  That desire comes from within.  Nothing wrong with things other than the desire for them that lead us from God.  God cares very little about your business.  He cares that you give yourself to the pursuit of Him.  He wants to engage you in a relationship that is a constant quest for uncovering the beautiful things that the relationship has to offer.  Do not let anything on your list distract you from Giving your heart, mind, strength and desire to God.  He is the one that sparks real desire within our souls.  Let Him express Himself to you.  Ephesians 1:17-20

















 I don't know that it has ever crossed my mind to ask myself if I am interesting.