The Butterfly Circus

My Friend Sarah Martinez shared this with me and I share it with you.

The Butterfly Circus - HD from The Butterfly Circus on Vimeo.

firelighter

I took this quote my friend Lindsey Renee Langstraat shared.  I am not sure where it is from but it articulately conveys what I have so inarticulately attempted to communicate in this blog.  If I were to quit writing, and for all intents and purposes I have for now, this is what I've been trying to say:

"Fire lighters are those who take charge of the dark by their own means, for their own purposes. It seems that the natural desire to avoid pain directs us toward a path of independence, when, in fact, the desire for relief and satisfaction, if the hunger is deeply felt, will lead to a path of chosen dependence on a Person greater than ourselves...The person who takes the initiative to keep her soul intact will violate the nature of her being to accomplish the impossible task...The honest person will admit that even though her fire-lighting strategies have won her a certain sense of safety, she is not living as she was created to live, and in the hollow chambers of her heart she is lonely as hell...The call to love and the determination to dodge hurt set up a radical contradiction in the soul."

social contract

It has become very apparent that the Church is without a viable infrastructure for community.  We are missing the very real role of accountability for actions within our community.  I see that we live just like the rest of the world, just with a slightly better philosophy or theology.  When we feel uncomfortable we serve self at the expense of others, community, and paradoxically the character and joy that comes from being integrated.  It is necessary for for us to be integrated In order to have peace in our lives. If we are honest with God and seek His ways and truth in our actions we will be circumspect in community and perfectly suited to experience joy in relationships.  This is not to say we will not experience pain, but rather that we will be living in an infrastructure that protects and values everyone within it.  To simply state these ideas we need to follow the pattern described in Matthew 18 and elsewhere to ensure that we have a community that is safe, one that points people towards freedom in God. I will say that the challenge to this will be anti-Christ ideas that distort the message of grace.  We live in a culture that aggressively protects the idea that we should not have to experience friction in relationships.  If we do we feel extremely justified in avoiding the personal responsibility for having to communicate in this community/relationship when the friction ensues.   If you have ever wondered why life is so fractured to the extent that it is it is because we do not uphold the law.  Jesus promotes a law of love.  In no way is this a law of escaping confession and the consequent responsibility for atoning for ones actions.  This law is a matter of the heart and the law of love is based on forgiveness.  We are forgiven by love when we seek forgiveness not when we escape responsibility.  The law goes a further step when Jesus asks us to atone for the sins of another 

"When the consequences of our poor choices (actions) can be avoided or foisted on others, there is little need for personal moral responsibility."-M Albert

This post is not finished yet. I'm taking too many calls to be typing under my desk

the moon in you

What is a human life?

I have spent quite a bit of time going back to the drawing board.  I have spent quite a bit of time starting over.  In my attempts to be integrated into something and not really being able to I have learned some things.   I have learned quite a bit about starting over.

We are here but for a short time.  I have yet to fully grasp what one is to do or expect in this life.  I have a man's flesh and the water in my body is pulled by the moon's force no less than it pulls on the waters of the vast ocean in all its depth and grandeur.  I have a desire to relate positively to God, to society, and to self but many times fear and loneliness are stronger forces in my short term decisions.  As a child there were times where I wished I was the moon.  I wished to be so far from the people and things that I wasn't good enough for.  I thought that being removed that I would't be hurt by my broken relationship to the people and things around me.  I was a very lonely child.

Today I am a man.   I'm not a child anymore, yet I sometimes still wish I were the moon.

In these moments I wonder, "What is a human life? What is one to do?  How is one to relate to others? Why are my relationships fraught with brokenness?  Why do things not provide comfort?"  In the course of my life and experiences with this existential/relationship pain I have gained something of value.  I have learned to forgive.  When I see that Jesus is able to forgive without batting an eye or bringing shame it gives my heart the courage to seek to do the same.  There is no thing that is greater than the Love of God.

I think that if we can get away from the "He didn't love me. She didn't love me.  Jesus, what are you going to do?" mentality then we may be able see a greater way.  The real question is, "What are we going to do?"  I am a very aware that God has His ways and that we are foolish to not follow those ways, but the personal question that God is asking you is, "What are you going to do when others do not follow His ways?"

I would beg to say that this is the greatest question of being united to God.  The answer to the question is really only relevant to the person being asked.  What will I do when...?  I know what I have done at times and places in the past.  Is there a way where I can be not like I have been.  Recently with a friend I discussed who we are.  It may seem overly simple, but you cannot be what you are not.  You only are what you are.  Though I think it is possible to become not what you have been.  We get the opportunity to view our lives and actions with God and he encourages us to not continue being what we have been, but to become more of who He is and to have the courage to change before men (men do not like to see people change.  it requires great courage to change before men because they insist that you are what you have been.  the temptation would be to feel like a fake and continue being the way people know you to be)

We cannot grow in grace without having first accepted forgiveness for who we are and who we have been.  It takes courage to be honest with one's self and to take the inevitable position of humility that results from this honesty with God, self, and others.

Whatever it's worth,

"¹⁰ Finally, grow powerful in union with the Lord, in union with his mighty strength! ¹¹ Use all the armor and weaponry that God provides, so that you will be able to stand against the deceptive tactics of the Adversary. ¹² For we are not struggling against human beings, but against the rulers, authorities and cosmic powers governing this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm. ¹³ So take up every piece of war equipment God provides; so that when the evil day comes, you will be able to resist; and when the battle is won, you will still be standing. ¹⁴ Therefore, stand! Have the belt of truth buckled around your waist, put on righteousness for a breastplate, ¹⁵ and wear on your feet the readiness that comes from the Good News of shalom. ¹⁶ Always carry the shield of trust, with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the Evil One. ¹⁷ And take the helmet of deliverance; along with the sword given by the Spirit, that is, the Word of God; ¹⁸ as you pray at all times, with all kinds of prayers and requests, in the Spirit, vigilantly and persistently, for all God’s people. "  

If we have broken relationships it is only for one reason, because the enemy of our love has worked his way into situations and has convinced us on our own levels of ideas that are against God and the things that He has for our lives.  When we are given the grace to realize this it may be to our advantage to "grow powerful in union with the Lord."  I am being constantly reminded of the scripture that says, "The name of the Lord is a strong tower.  The righteous run into it and are saved."  It brings great comfort and tears to my heart because it implies that the righteous are in trouble.  It does not imply that the righteous have been without fault, but rather that those who run to God in times of trouble will be saved.  Many times we need to be saved from our own ways.  If we run into God and take refuge in Him then he can give us the courage to be men and women of understanding with a great capacity to forgive.

Nothing can separate of us from the Love of God.  Not one thing.  

You Are Loved!

I spend the majority of my time not addressing what one should do, but how one should approach answering the question of what one should do.

you are loved

Self Awareness comes at a great cost. This awareness is frequently an awareness that one fears and avoids the cost.  We do this because we truly believe we cannot afford the cost and that one cannot pay.  We become thieves taking what we feel we need from others and hide from them and ourselves that we are doing so avoiding the awareness which has the ability to set us free from living dishonestly.  This is very hard to do. We fear that if we are discoverd that we will cease to exist, be rejected from love, that we will be alone.  God's love requires us to "get caught".  We cannot receive love if we avoid this awareness.  It may take you your whole life to avoid this notion, yet it would serve you well to ask God to shine his light into your life and expell the darkness.  You are a slave to fear if you do not slow yourself the courage to ask God to reveal your sin and separate it from you with His word.  You are loved!

At 12:40 6/24/12 I was writing you a song.

What I said a year ago is exactly what I am doing today. It feels good to move forward. Anyone can dream and feel inspired by dreaming, this is a basic human trait. It is another thing altogether to persevere through hardship in the moment only to find that you are there in the present feeling the present. Dreaming is not living. Living is Living. We must begin to live and trust God in the present. I am the biggest dreamer of them all. "Dreams come through much activity"

Righteousness never appeals to the flesh but always appeals to the ego

Christianity and Man

understanding

1.  Things are not as they seem.  2.  There is at a bare minimum 3 reasons why a thing could be what it is.

In your quest for your 3 reasons find at least one that is innocent.  This is not necessarily the reason but you have not done your work until you have found at least one.  Ask questions.  Seek unity and love. 

Give grace to the humble.  Resist the proud.   

Rooster and the Rednecks

This is the 1st episode of a Hunting show that Luke and I did the music for.  Local hunting looks like this.




Rooster and the Rednecks

Being an individual isn't the most communal experience you've had, but it is an experience.

I am not sure that the grace of God manifests by sweeping things under the carpet or by putting things away in a closet. The grace of God brings the painful things into the light and separates the soul from the spirit. Freedom is only through confession and repentance. We are not free from the things we are hiding from and will not speak about in the light of community. Come into the light. Confess your sins and pray for one another that you may be healed. The Spirit of God always leads us to confession, repentance, humility, and to forgiveness and reconciliation. I have experienced this in my life even recently. We cannot escape the Spirit of God and imagine that things are ok. Your life is not ok if it is not ok. Things will not get better if we do not ask for the light to shine into our lives and cast out the darkness. Perfect love casts out fear. It is ok to be broken and humble in the light. There is no other way to live. Fear is what keeps us from letting God be real in our lives. God will always lead you to a place of discomfort. It is in that place where the sin and rebellion become obvious to us. God is never surprised, only we are. God was not disappointed with Peter, Peter was disappointed with himself. Jesus had the wisdom to let Peter's heart break as he came to grasp with his weakness as he asked him 3 times if he loved Him. He didn't say, "cheer up friend! It's ok. I know you didn't mean it hey after all my grace is new every morning." He said, "if you love me feed my sheep." Jesus said "if".
He didn't say, "I know your heart man, it's ok". Jesus came to save us from our sin not to make us comfortable living in it. If you are comfortable living in it or are willing to live a lie then it is likely that you are what is called deceived and bound by something that owns you and hates you more than you can imagine. Do not fool yourself and say that there is peace when there is no peace. Do not listen to the wayward wisdom of those who are asleep and want you to share in their lot of apathy and disregard. Wake up and make the changes in your life that you know good and well that God is expecting of you. Do not do this in your own strength, but have the courage to be honest with yourself and those whom God has already put on your heart to walk with you out if the darkness and into the light.


Forgive my tone.  We are adults and can factor out things like tone.

IndianSong

I have a gift.  It's a song I am working on.  It is a break from all the silly ideas that I typically present here.

indian song
 

Popular culture will always lead you to a dead end. What dead end are you pursuing?

What is the deception of the generation that you find yourself in? If under
a generational curse if is likely that neither you nor your generational cohorts are aware of it. In fact, if it is what they always are, it is an idea that you promote and protect, yet is the thing that is preventing you from being: free from notions of self (in society), honest integrated living and thinking (in one's self), willing to be humble and pursue truth at the cost to self regard (in the Kingdom)


"Instead of referring to the real world, much media output devotes itself to referring to other images, other narratives; self-referentiality is all-embracing, although it is rarely taken account of."--McRobbie, Angela (1994)


We become what we seek. Not what we think we seek.

one need not tell a lie to live one

Perfect Love Casts out Fear.


I wish I really understood this. I want to be a man who casts out fear. It seems that my fears get the best of me quite a bit

differentiation

I have been thinking about life.  My life. Yours.  What is a human to do during his time?  When people ask me what I have been up to I say,"nothing really."  If I am feeling particularly engaged I may say, "I do the same things you do.  I eat and do the stuff." or something like that.  We humans have a way of asking others what they are up to.  It is ingrained in my experience.  I don't know if it is different elsewhere.  The thing that I like asking is, "What do you know?"  or "Are you feeling engaged in your life?"  "Do you feel loved?"  "Do you like your parents?  Do they like you?"  I don't know that it is fair for me to ask those things but I have slipped into a pattern of asking them.  There is so much going on under the surface of any given human.  I think if I were to commit to my line of questioning that I would find that there is a lot of anxiety about life and living in most humans.  We are very circumspect with our images and impressions when we share with others.  We, the less cynical of us, tend to share the things that are "good" about what we are doing or about our notions of where we are going.  We have a desire to be recognized for who we are.  We imagine that we are a thing or  an idea that embodies the essence of something that we imagine to be good.  The notion of goodness is a reference to the notion that there are things that are not good.   We don't want to be average good.  We want to be exceptionally good.  The reality of this is that what we are desiring is to be better than most people.  We want to be judged by ourselves or others as being of greater value or more highly differentiated than others.

I really don't want to knock on the desire to feel special or distinguished.  I think it is really important that we have certain relationships where we are esteemed highly and greatly appreciated for "who we are."  This is really good in romantic relationships, in families, and in friendships to a degree.  We need to be exceptionally loved.  I will say that there is something great about being loved for who we are by these people, but what is greater than that is to be loved by these people because of who we are not.  True love is something that sees the other for who they are and who they are not and gives love regardless of where the loved one falls in that spectrum.   I can't even think that this love is something that would be easy for any of us to give, but it is absolutely necessary for any relationship to thrive.  Without the willingness to love any relationship will come to a relatively quick end.  These relationships end because one or both parties is unable to love the other and compensate for the other's weakness by extending them grace.   This really is not my point My point is that we have a natural framework for understanding ourselves that is highly influenced from our desire to be distinguished from others.   We will either imagine that we are distinguished, although maybe unrefined and yet to be discovered for being who we are (aka...life is going to be awesome all I have to do is make the right decisions and meet the right people and I will be discovered for being the great person that I am), or we we will imagine that we are not great and everyone already realizes it (aka...I hope they don't find out the truth about the depth of how icky I am).   These are the two polarities of the scale that we put ourself to.  I have a suspicion that there are fewer in the middle of this scale.  This is not a healthy approach to life.

Life should not be perceived through the lenses of how we imagine we compare to others.  Neither should we be concerned how we actually compare to others, not that we could ever truly know.  We should be primarily concerned with our character and integrity.  I use the term integrity a lot and I want to be very clear what I mean by it.  When I use the term I mean being a person who is integrated.   Being integrated is a state of living in accordance to the the things that we believe or desire to believe more in.  This is a process.  Being integrated means that when you tell someone that you care about them that you are willing to put forth great effort to convey that to them.  This doesn't mean you make a big display in bursts of romanticism but that you convey it in the long term making small bursts of displays that are icing on the cake.  It means that we don't lie to ourselves about the ways we are actually living in comparison to the way that we believe in living.  Once again this is not my point.  What I am saying is that we should view ourselves in the light of Christ.  We need our hearts and mind to be illuminated by the revelation of God's love for us.  This is not a love for who we are.  It is a love for who we are not.  It is a love that is inherent in the heart of God for you that has nothing to do with our performance.  The knowledge of God's love for us is the thing that inspires integration and purity of heart and mind.  It is God's heart for us to know Him!  The more we begin to know who He is the more we become wrapped up in Him.  The more we see of His beauty the more beautiful our hearts and minds become.  There is the notion that God loves us.  He does.  This love is essentially ineffective if we do not receive it.  We need to receive this implanted Word with meekness.  I have to be consumed with the knowledge of His love for it to takes its greatest effect.  In order for us to receive this love we must let go of the paradigm of being distinguished from others.  If anything we will find that we are exactly like others, that we are no different.  We all fall short. We fall short by a great distance.   There is an unfathomable canyon between the falling short with our greatest efforts and the mark of our aim.  I think that the purified lover of God rejoices  in the greatness of the disparity of the canyon that is between the individual and God.  It is the greatness of the canyon that distinguishes the love of God from what any of us have to offer.  The greater the obstacle the greater the love that pushes past the obstacle.  I am in no way saying to be satisfied with sin in our lives, but rather that asking God to reveal His love for us is the function that brings the reception of His love into our lives.   I am having a hard time explaining it.  I have experienced it.  I know more than I can say.  The nature of beauty is a humbling reality for those who have eyes to see.  When you "see" the beauty of a flower and God says, "I have clothed you in a greater splendor than this flower." and your heart cries out, "how could I be clothed in such a splendor?  why would you give me this on your account?  how could I possibly be so beautiful?" you begin to understand the nature of beauty.  Beauty reveals on one side of who we really are...people who are a bit deceitful and wicked...yet how God chooses to see us on His account.  One who is humbled by this experience of revelation will inevitably extend this account to others.  This is the Law of Love.

On coming here to write I had in my mind a list of things that I am "doing" or should be doing.  It has never once crossed my mind to question whether or not I was interesting.  I am interested in things.  People who are not interested in things are not interesting.  It may be interesting that someone is not interesting but that has very little potential for concern for me.  I have very little interest in being interesting.  There are too many things to be interested in to be concerned with thoughts like being interesting.   To be fair.  I want like one or three people to feel that I am interesting and then after that it really doesn't matter.  I don't want my life to be motivated by an obligation to be anything other than "The one who God loves!"  With that in mind I still do things and want to do things and feel obligated to do things.  Here is a list that is more a more accurate answer to the question of, "Whats up with you?"

This is a list of things that I am: 1. Doing.  2.  Should be doing.  3.  Concerned with  4.  Should be concerned with

1.  Making:  Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner
2.  Planning Formal and Informal Get Togethers Involving Food or Entertainment
3.  Planning Career Advancement at Work
4.  Planning Life Advancement in Relation to Career & Elective Business Pursuits (start a business)
5.  Save money for Savings
6.  Save money for Engagement, Dating, Honeymoon Trip, Wedding Expenses
7.  Buy Things That Seem Needed--Better Cars, Houses, Clothes, Equipment for Entertainment
8.  Participate in Church Society
9.  Become A Better Musician (Guitar, Bass, Keys, Marimba, Woodwinds, Reeds, Drums)
10 Become A Better Music Producer (learn Logic, Ableton Live, Hardware Research, Song Form)
11 Relearn Things Forgotten and Build on Things Remembered from BA in Music
12 Write A Book On Loving Relationships Between Men and Women
13 Prepare for a Loving Relationship with a Woman (see above...hehe...jk)
14 Apply for and earn Phd in Psychology and Divinity
15 Begin Designing & Making Acoustic Guitars
16 Begin Designing & Making Electric Guitars, Harps, Archtop Guitars, Pipe Organs
17 Do all the research and Make Equipment and Jigs for Instrument Making
18 Continue to Learn and Become More Adept at Fly Fishing, do the same for Cowboy Fishing
19 Start Skateboarding Again
20 Learn about Electricity Begin to Design & Manipulated Circuitry to Make Things Do What I Want
21 Read More Directly about Philosophical History
22 Read More Directly about Science, Art, History, and Important Literary Texts
23 Continue Attending "Guy Night" Consider Creating a "Secret Society with Sweet Sweaters"
24 Try Recruit More People To Wednesday Prayer Night at My House
25 Make Music With Luke
26 Make My Own Record in a Medium Paced Post-Adult Contemporary Punk Manner
27 Consider Laying Down The Framework for the Next Grace Classical Academy Record
28 Practice for and Play Shows with The Collective (Drums)
29 Start a Worship Band
30 Go to the Grocery Store At Least Weekly
31 Finish Remodeling My House (Small Details, Build  large Deck, Make Bedroom Upstairs, Garden)
32 Learn more about Gardening
33 Spend more time with Lecil (my cat)
34 Develop a plan for Retirement and Funds for Children's College
35 Develop Teaching Program: things that are Interesting and Useful (so your kids are brilliant)
36 Go Camping and Canoeing more
37 Keep running 16 miles a week (sometimes)
38 Read my Bible Daily in a Way That Matters - no less than 30 minutes a day
39 Maintain an Internet Presence - This Blog, Begin Writing for Theomag (relationships and theology)
40 Spend Quality Time with my Girlfriend, Make Her Feel More Special than Anyone I Know
41 Be a Great Uncle to 5 kids (Isaac, Eli, Natalie, Cash, Landon) Individual Time, Group Time
42 Be a friend and son to my Mom
43 Increase My connection to family (Christine, Scott, Sam, Roy, Madelyn, Logan, Suzanne, Reed, Richard, Justin, Boy, Francis, Christina, Dad)
44  Maintain Important Friendships (Garon & Lindsay, Dante & Meghan, Stu & Heather, Ty, Jacob, Ryan, Phil, Phil & Christina,Jarrett & Sage, Josh, Luke & Neisha, Tom & Michelle, Michael & Natalie,  Nate & Kara, Brent & Sara, Chris & Lauren,  trying to make this list after a nice beer was a bad idea, Dave & Julie, Wayne & Kami, Aaron,  Autumn,  Andrea, Andy & Holli, Andy, Arin & Genavieve, Paul,  Carroll, Dan & Julie, Donnie, Heidi, Kody, Ian & Rachel, Jason & Angela, Jeff & Julie, Tyler & Erin,  Taylor & Shawna, Matt & Lindsay, Jordan & Casey, Jess & Kelly, Joe & Charlie,  John & Becca,  Jordan, Junior and Sandra, Mackenzie, Mandy & Bill, Lauren & Micah, Michelle, Niki & Paul, Paul, Rick & Janett, Scott & Holli, Sean & Erin, Thomas, Tyer  & Erin, Will.
45 Become Better friends with Some above and Make new friendships.  I was going to make a list here and you are likely on it and it is important to me that you are.  If you would be on this list it is because I appreciate you but have spent less time with you.  I may like you more than the people on the #44 list hehe.  I will not make this list because it is making me tired


my point is that this list is not nearly complete.  there is something wrong when a list of 45 things all have significant importance.  this list could not be juggled in a way to be effective or manageable.  I have a suspicion that your list may be like this or maybe worse.  This is a modern conception of what a could be important to someone in a life.  Someone may even begin to judge themselves by a standard that has as few as 45 points of measurement on it.  The existential burden of having to be all these things is too much.  Understand that I have no real desire to let go of anything on my list.  I fully judge myself by all of these things to determine if I am "adding up".  As ridiculous as it seems I still do not want to let go of one measure of these things because I have a notion that I am distinguished from others.  I should be able to be exceptional in all of these areas.  This is directly tied to the notions of paradox of choice. I can imagine that i can be all things even if they conflict by nature.  I can be spontaneous yet very stable and safe.  I can be funny and dead serious,  I can be romantic and scientific,  I can be religious and worldly.  I can be tall and short.  My girlfriend can be anything good that I can imagine.  She can be at once with big boobs and small boobs because they are both great.  She can be everything that I desire and nothing that I do not.  Please hear what I am saying.  I am making fun of all of us because this is how we think.  Gals may want a guy they cant have because he by nature of being out of their reach creates desire within them, yet when they get him realize that what desire he created by being absent only sends the search elsewhere when they realize that he was a joke of a man and had no quality other than being a liar willing to stoop to smoke and mirrors to get attention.  Life lived in this manner is what one might call unfulfilling and shallow.

We must find our fulfillment and desire within the presence of God.  God does not create desires within us that lead us out of His presence.  He does not give us dreams that lead us away from Him.  All of those desires are generated within ourselves.  The desire for things is not from God.  That desire comes from within.  Nothing wrong with things other than the desire for them that lead us from God.  God cares very little about your business.  He cares that you give yourself to the pursuit of Him.  He wants to engage you in a relationship that is a constant quest for uncovering the beautiful things that the relationship has to offer.  Do not let anything on your list distract you from Giving your heart, mind, strength and desire to God.  He is the one that sparks real desire within our souls.  Let Him express Himself to you.  Ephesians 1:17-20

















 I don't know that it has ever crossed my mind to ask myself if I am interesting.

If one wants to be known, it is because one does not feel known.

nothing to gain

I have been thinking quite a bit about these two ideas.  

1.  "I have nothing to loose."  

2.  "I have nothing to gain."

I think I want to live my life as if I have nothing to gain.  These two ideas may be similar, but I think they may be quite a bit different.  If you have nothing to loose it implies that all you can do is gain or stay in the same place.   If you have nothing to gain then the only reason you are motivated is by principle.  John the Baptist had nothing to gain when he spoke out against Herod about not having a relationship that was not honored by God.  He had nothing to gain, yet he had his own head and life to lose.  He had nothing to gain.  I don't understand it.  The greatest hope one might have in that time was to be a friend of Jesus.   He died because of a word that God had him share.  He was not a disciple.  Jesus speaks very highly of this John.  He gave his life and had nothing to gain.  I can barely see the value in it.  He lost his life because a young girl motivated by the seeds of her mother asked for his head on a platter.  The friends of the bridegroom loose their lives because they have nothing to gain. 

The other thought that I have been thinking quite a bit about.  A lie is usually obvious unless one has something to gain by believing the lie.  If believing the deception of another will promise that we will benefit it is hard to discern the truth because we are "self seeking".  If we believe our own lies it is because we are "self seeking".   One who is not seeking the things of men, the things that are "scarce" or "valuable" will have nothing to gain.  We cannot serve God and Mammon.  That our hearts would be free from the lies that entice us to betray God and turn our backs on Him! 


A few years ago I went on tour for a few weeks.  I was on a tour that was about bringing music to communities that were without privilege.  One of those places was Angola Prison in Louisiana.  I was in charge of shooting video to document the tour and create an image of what we were doing.  We had to wait outside of the gates for a bit before we entered.  I was able to spend time in the Angola Prison museum.  I have never killed anyone, although t is a pretty common human endeavor.  If one is in Angola it is likely that this experience is on that one has participated in.  I make no judgements.  


(Paul Carbonara, Blondie's Guitarist for 10 years)

Once inside the prison I was a bit nervous after having surveyed the museum.  Everything that I had on my person would have been something that these guys could have cleverly used to devise a murder device.  These men could have used me as a way to bargain their release.  I was honored to be in their "Home", yet I was also respecting the reality of the situation.  I was here to capture the experience.  Our group had very little to offer these people even though it was cloaked as a "religious" presentation. I was embarrassed when it was announced that, "our album will be released in two weeks."  Aside from the clown show that I was participating in  I was very humbled by the situation.  I truly had never been in a church service where I felt so much freedom.  These men had a joy that was so far beyond most people that I know.  Almost any person that I know.  They had demeanors that were inexpressible with my current skills at description.  


These men had nothing to gain nor nothing to lose.  Most of those men will die in that prison.  They will never marry.  They will never make money.  They will never do any of the things that we free men do. It is because of this reality that they in their pursuit of God were able to experience true freedom.  I don't want to suggest I know the experience of any of these men, but I do want to say the reason that we experience so much bondage is because of our ideas about the freedoms we have and what we can do.  We must seek to lose our lives so that we can find them in Christ.  We must literally become voluntarily weak to become like God.  It is our choice of forsaking the gain that will transform our hearts.  We need to not be people bound to the lies and deceptions of gain so that we can be a real source of the presence of God in each others lives.  This world needs those who are willing to burn like lamps of oil in the presence of God and men.  We will burn.  It will hurt.  It will bring the impurities to the surface but when they are cleared away what is left is the pure joy of being a man or woman that is free to love.


(me at the time)

email

I recently sent an email to an individual that I do not know.  I shared with him some of the ideas that I have.   He responded with these words:

Dear Corey,

I appreciate your heart. What I would do if I were you is the following:

1) Write down the 3 or more areas that you would like to change most in our society.

2) Ask, given your situation, which of these areas could you reasonably get involved in (prepare for, etc.) to produce change.

3) Then pray about what steps to take & how to do it.

God richly bless you!

I thought I would share that with you.

We Need God's Grace To Set Us Free

This breaks my heart.  I came to my little café today inspired about the idea of writing about sex.  Sex is such a motivator in the lives of humans.  It is a very basic life function.  It is also a very volatile one.  I don't think I will write much about it today because I don't know much about the questions that I have.

I want to write a book titled, Love One Woman.  I want to encourage men from the moment that they read the first paragraph that it is honorable and in the heart of God for a man to chose to love one woman for the rest of his life.  God is not honored by testing the waters and seeing how the waters feel to determine if we will chose or not.  This is dishonorable.  God is not ok with the approach that we promote as a culture, even in Christian culture.  The desire to promote this idea of lovecomes from my belief that God desires us to be whole, complete, and happy individuals.  The only way to be this is to pursue His heart in our approach to the other.  I believe that with a real understanding of God's design and heart for relationships will strengthen the culture of relationships ultimately strengthening the experience  of individuals in relationships.

As it is now it is a system that is terribly hurtful.  Men and women are encouraged to test the waters and see what kind of person we are looking for.  We are free to engage the heart and mind of another and then make our judgment of them with respect to our futures based on what they shared with us.  If we don't like it at least 96% then we should move on even if we chose to experience their bodies and the commitment that is implied in the social (heart) contract of doing so.  There is no honor for commitment to our actions and what they really mean.  We are free to redefine what we meant when...we said things like "I love you", when we took off our clothes and shared some of the most intimate moments humans can experience, when we told others that we thought we found the one.  We are free to experience any experience we want to in the moment then redefine it in whatever way we want that allows us to disregard the other.

I don't want to live in a way that I would not want my children to experience.  Would I want my child to have a lover get access to all the deep important parts of their being and then just leave them by the side of the road bleeding, like the traveller in the Good Samaritan story, because someone didn't like some things about them.  This is why I want to write a book.  The book is not only about love between a man and a woman and that it is possible with great desire and effort to cultivate that love, but is also a remedy to a problem that we currently have.  The church and culture suggest that we should live "exceptional" lives that are full of all the cool things that life has to offer if we "believe big".  We push this idea of exceptional greatness for those who have the courage to live for it and wait for "God's best".  In this process you are supposed get a degree and  become financially stable by settling into a career.  These things are supposed to support the idea of having success in relationship, but by the time most people are 25-30 they have had to experience the pain and anxiety of loneliness and have mitigated it with pre-marital sex and various "romantic" relationships destroying their hearts.  We have broken the meaning of life an marriage and ruined it by the time we get the courage (aka...disenfranchised, lowered standards and a newfound willingness) to chose a mate.  We then spend much of our time as a church trying to teach people how to "get over" things stating that God makes all things new, yet we never deal with the real problem, lack of knowledge concerning God's ways and desires for us in relationship and how to view our life not as something that God wants us to find, but rather how we can chose to lose it for His sake.  We lose our lives by pursuing love.  Jesus stated that He came not to disregard the law but to fulfill it.  The Torah was a Law of Love.  The only problem was that the sacrifice for us not being able to pursue love was the blood of bulls and goats which did not have the power to cleanse the conscience from sin.  Only the Blood of Jesus was able to do that.  Only the Blood of Jesus can set us free from the burden of our conscience concerning breaking God's laws with respect to each other.

We need to seek the heart of God in our relationships and more importantly in our ideas about what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior within them.  It is inappropriate to think you have a choice to make concerning another's value if you chosen to partake in that value.  A righteous man fulfills his promises even to his own hurt.

I care about this because I have been involved in this on every level and I want my children and yours to live in a different climate with an understanding of honoring and cherishing the gift of God in another.  We must be seeking treasure and be committed to finding it in God's heart to bring to our lovers.  If we seek to bring treasure to those we invite into our lives we will always have something we can trust in...the ability to bring the presence of God through our vessels to the other.  This is the only way we can be sure that the presence and blessing of God will be in our relationships.  We must be the source of love, forgiveness, hope, joy and humility.

man.woman.family.community.responsiblity

Here is an article that is mildly interesting on the state of family and love in the western world. Considering that you are on the internet and you are reading this blog you must have a little time on your hands.  Read it.

I have very strong ideas about love.  A man can be defined by his courage or lack thereof to love one woman.  Humans are called by God to forsake themselves and give a bit of one's autonomy of desire/freedom to another and to love that person at the cost of self.  God is not interested in people seeking to "find" their lives, but rather to "lose" them.

My aim is to be a viable voice of Love and Integrity in relationships.  I want men to have the courage to Love.  I want women to have the courage to allow God to use a man to be a source of Love in their lives.   I want men to realize that their primary purpose is to Love God and the woman that agrees by a  social contract (unwritten) to be his.  I want women to realize that their primary purpose is to Love God and to Love the man she has chosen by this same contract by a commitment to commitment.  It of course makes sense to make a real contract as well.  We make promises so that we will be bound by them when we least want to be.

least like what we are not

the one thing wrong in any situation is the thing that is least like you.


aka


the one thing that seems wrong in any situation is the thing that I perceive to be the least like I perceive myself to be.


we never disagree with things that are like we are.


we will continue to be more like we are if we do not perceive that what we are or perceive ourselves to be is not what it is or seems to suggest.


we must consider that what we suggest that we are is likely what we are not, yet although seemingly right.


we are least like what we are not which is the one thing wrong in any situation.

wasting life on God

I am always in a state of thinking and considering things.  I consider a lot of things.  Sometimes I consider the animals, sometimes electrons, sometimes personal experiences, sometimes community experiences, sometimes technology, sometimes philosophies.  I am always in a state of considering things.  Entertainment has very little value for me.  I would literally rather do nothing with a measure of anxiety than watch television.  I have very little to do at this juncture in my life.  I attend a Sunday morning church service, I attend a Tuesday night beer and chips service.  I work 8 hours a day.  I am a man that has a heart for God yet I sense that something is missing.  There are several things missing but to simply state it, it feels like something is missing.

God is a great reality and force in my life.  There isn't a molecule in my body that doesn't want to be filled with the hope and glory of being God's.  There is a little room in Kansas City, Missouri where people worship God 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  I have been there many times.  There was one instance in particular on my way up to Minneapolis that I stopped in for 15 minutes grabbed a coffee and left.  I had an experience in that 15 minutes that I experienced a revelation of sorts.  I don't think I was seeking one.  I am pretty sure it was at a time in my life where I was resisting God's work in my life.  I saw these young people worshiping God from all over the nation and my heart broke.  I had to bite down on my back teeth just to avoid breaking into tears, a bit like I am doing now.  I will try to describe it.

I consider many things.  I really do.  There is something about little rooms that draw people from all over the nation that is attractive.  Things that are attractive attract things.  A beautiful woman may attract the attention of a capable lover, yet she will also attract the attention of incapable lovers because she is beautiful.  We are attracted to things that are attractive.  There is a great malaise in American youth and when we have nothing to do we seek to find meaning even if it is just for moments in time.  I know that some people who flock to places like this are seeking to find meaning, acceptance, to avoid problems at home, to avoid responsibility etc...  Even knowing this, this has never bothered me much, but some people who know about this prayer room will bring it up as an issue as an issue of its validity.

So I am in the back of the room trying to exist there in the present as best as I could knowing that I was heading to Minneapolis and had quite a drive ahead.  I was considering the ideas of these people being drawn for many various reasons to be there, but that I was thankful for what they were doing.  In a moment God broke my heart and the tears started welling up.  I sensed that God loved every single person that was in the room so much.  In spite of all the various reasons they were there He was honored and glorified.  I sensed that He was in no way offended for any of these "wrong" reasons that people chose to worship Him.  It was in that moment that I felt so humbled.  I saw that these people were walking in a great humility even if they were unaware of it.  These people had chosen to give their lives to God to be concerned with him for 8 hours a day on average.  Here I was heading up to meet friends and enjoy good food, buy some cabinets and come back home to live my life.  My heart was broken.  I realized that there was something missing.  I was not concerned with God.  Maybe I was entertained by Him but I was not concerned with Him.  I liked going to His events and hearing encouraging messages that were maybe very true.  I wasn't very concerned with Him.  These people were.  I am not putting their character's on a platform.  I am putting the reality of offering attention to God on a platform.  I sensed that anyone who was willing to waste their life on God would be honored for it.

So, sitting here in my little cafe as I listen to the worship from the prayer room I go right back to that moment.  I am not doing anything that seems important.  I will not say that important things are not happening but on a proactive level there doesn't seem much to be going on in my life.  I write a half lame blog that may have value at points, but I am not engaged.  I am for moments.  I want to waste my life on God and I am trying to determine how I can do it.  I have managed to make it 33 years without getting married.  I have very minimal responsibility.  I have considered at great length my place in life and what my role is.

When I was in high school I was sort of in a relationship.  I had some anxieties about the relationship and shared those with some confidants from my church who I trusted and respected.  When I expressed my anxieties of the relationship they told me that "maybe God was using me to be an example of sorts of what a good guy was but that maybe that was it".  I was so angry.  Please don't read anything theological into this.  I was aware of the idea that guys in the Old Testament were used as examples to our generation.  They were not able to see the fruit of their labors or the joy of the prize.   In my heart I said, "my life is not some joke, it isn't fair to use me as an example.  what about me?"  It was at that point that I decided that I would make the relationship official.  I wasn't going to be used as an example.  Please understand I am not saying that is what God was or was not doing.  I am saying that my heart responded the way it did.  In my foolishness and inexperience with being a "good example" or much of a man at all I made very bad mistakes.  I was ridden with anxiety, guilt, lack of direction, and all the human stuff we can use to paint our own psychological canvasses.  I hurt this person a great bit.  I hurt myself.  Looking back I see more of what was actually going on.  I have a better understanding of relationships.  I have a better respect for the way God respects the integrity of relating to others with confidence, integrity, and commitment.

I use that story really to point out that I said, "Don't use me as Your example!"  I avoided what I didn't want from God, yet 15 years later or so I only want to be used as an example.  I have experienced quite a bit of frustration, disappointment, betrayal, and all the stuff.  This stuff hurts.  It can make you very bitter.  I became bitter  and ignored God for several years and made terrible decisions during those years.  Being 33 years old and single with nothing really going on feeling that something is missing I ask, "What is it?"  I have been humbled enough that I desire to be an example.  Not so much to be an example of "success", but a perfect example of what it means to be a human who has been pursued by God.  I am a perfect example of God's ability to take a broken man (broken by self, by others, by expectations and realities)  to speak to that part of that man's heart where he breaks into tears thinking about honoring God and sharing in His glory.  God can take a broken heart full of disappointment much of which is internal and self inflicted with great help from others and fill it with a desire for love and hope against all worldly odds.  Whenever God speaks to us we have the opportunity to respond.  Sometimes I respond with, "here I am your servant." other times with, "hell no, leave me alone!"

I side tracked.  I really wanted to state two paragraphs ago that I want to be used by God.  My life is totally open (or at least that is what I'd like to believe) to be used for His purposes.  I want to waste my life on God.  I have desired things, ideas, relationships, existences and they all pale in comparison to God.  I realize that God can give us all the aforementioned ideas for His purposes but a desire for those things if they eclipse our willingness to obey creates an unstable thing.  It isn't like God is saying, "This particular situation is out of balance and I am going to level it until these cats realize whats up."  I think that the nature of things being out of balance will bring themselves to their own equilibrium.  When we input bad ingredients into a mix it will ruin the recipe.  We do this everyday all day long and eventually the poison creeps out and has its own effect.  God can rejoice over the marriage of two of His children but years down the road with much of the incessant adding of poisonous ingredients find that His children hate each other and want to be free of the gift that He gave them.  This is to say that the poison always comes out. It is unavoidable.  I keep getting side tracked.  The desire for God must be first and foremost.  We must fight for having Him at the center or our poisons that we bring to our relationships and dreams will take a fatal effect sooner than later.  God wants to rescue us from our own poisons.  When He puts us in relationships He is fully aware that the other will be affected by your poisons.  The effect of the poison on another, especially the one you love is grace.  God is saying, your lover is getting sick because of the poison that you have brought to this relationship.  I needed you to see the effect of it so that you would allow Me to take from you those poisons, patterns, behaviors and let Me replace them with ways that are more honorable.

I really was wanting to make another point but I have to assume it is God trying to communicate these ideas because it keeps coming back up.  We have to be aware that it doesn't matter that we have all the best ingredients available to make a wonderful cake to surprise the one we love...if we add poison to it, it will bring forth death.  We do this instinctually.  It is like there are things that we resort to out of our own personal natures that we may not even be aware of that is like poison in a glass bottle that is unlabeled that we have always added to our cake mixes.  We may have been given this ingredient as part of a family recipe yet we have never really known what it is or why we use it, but we always add a dash.  Mom always did, but only just a sprinkle.  When we bring our poisons into relationships, known or unknown, obvious or not they bring forth death.  We must ask God to come into our spice cabinets and ask Him to take anything that we shouldn't have. I think most of us really want to surprise our lovers, family, friends and we are always making cakes for them.  We are truly unaware of the poisons that we have put in the mix.  We may never realize it because we always add these things in small doses but it is making all of us sick and some of us are dying.  The Bride of Christ is a beautiful Bride.  She really does want God.  She really does want to be a gift and a surprise to her Lover.  God is aware of the desire that He has put in our hearts.  We just need to be willing to let Him come in and clear out the things that have been hurting us.  We may find that some of our favorite spices (personalities, entertainments, desires, life goals, etc) are the ones He takes.  It will hurt a great deal because they have been so important to us and the things that we have made with with them.  Let Him take them.  We are all going loose some of things that have been important to us.  What we all gain is relationship with our Father, our King, and better relationships with each other.

p.s.

the thing I was wanting to communicate is that I think it has been God's grace in my life that He has allowed me to be so disappointed so frequently.  it may be that part of His purpose in letting me hope greatly in certain things and the following disappointment of the loss of those things is that we now have a fairly strong individual who realizes that the Love of God is far superior.  I really want to be in love with a woman and the corresponding responsibilities that come with it, a very important thing in God's heart, yet I have to say that God can give or take whatever He wants.  I still want to be His!  I can be an example that knows what it means to loose.  I have lost at God's hand, I have lost at mine, I have lost at others.  I still love God.  More importantly God still loves me.  He loves all the people I know just as much as He loves me.  In my desire to not be God's "pawn" as an example I have been frustrated enough that I realize it is a great honor to be used by him.  In a sense I have been broken.  The wild has been tamed a bit.  In my brokenness I have become peaceable and willing to yield (to a degree...who am I kidding).  This is the message that God wants to share with you.  He wants to break you.  Let Him.

Be Only His

I truly care about the Bride of Christ.  We are in a time in church history that is full of syncretism.  We have simultaneously embraced the leaven of the pharisees and the doctrines of demons.   These are one and the same, just at different sides of the spectrum.  We have this holier than though self righteousness or this self-centered apathy that imagines that grace allows all men to be "accepted" by God.  Neither of these things are true nor do either of these stances acknowledge God.  God delights in those who honor Him.  We honor Him by delighting in Him.  If we read the words of Jesus we get a picture that is very explicit.  He explicitly states that we must die to ourselves and follow Him.  If we do not forsake our lives we will not enter the Kingdom.  If we try to find our lives we will loose them.  This is where we err.

We are currently being bombarded with really shallow theology that is essentially promoting that you seek to find you life.  It suggests that if you dare believe that God will offer you the things of life.  I think it requires discernment to discern what God is saying and may be saying through me right now.  I am a man and my words are my words.  I ask for grace in the humanness of my words.  The spirit must understand the Spirit.  The anxieties of the world and riches are the two things that characterizes the seeds that fell among thorns and were choked out.  This is where we are in this time.  I am not promoting a certain "lifestyle" per say.  Money is not the issue.  The heart is the issue.  Our hearts really obsess over finding comfort of our idol of mammon.  We must seek God to find what His word is in this time.  This is an important time.  This time is the Present.  We must beware of the present.  We are presently determining the trajectory of our lives.  Make that trajectory be to find yourself at the bottom of humility.  It is a race to the bottom!  This is where we are honored by God.

Jesus is not concerned with your comfort.  One could make a case that His aim is to disrupt your comfort.  His desire is that we would give Him our comforts because our hearts have a revelation of the joy of doing so.  God does not want us to be miserable.  We are only miserable to the degree that creature comforts, idols, and doctrines of demons that we  embrace are pitted against His call on our lives.  To state that another way:  We are miserable when we are unwilling to let go of our ways and ideas to follow Christ.  As soon as we let go and follow there is true joy.  If you are feeling guilty or condemned it is because you do not have a proper understanding of what is going on.  This is in fact the nature of the gospel.  Jesus came preaching freedom and love.  It didn't go over very well.  Jesus even said, "how long do I have to contend with you?  You unbelieving and perverse generation!"  We get the idea that God wants to make us into marketplace christians.  You unbelieving and perverse generation!

Really my aim in this is to bring up the notion that God's love for you has very little to do with your feelings.  God wants your feelings to come into line with His word.  God wants your heart to rejoice in truth.  If your heart is bound to untruth then it is grace that you feel anxiety and frustration.  These things are indicators that something is wrong.  These indicators do not specifically state what is wrong, just that there is something wrong.  It is for us to seek God and find out what is wrong.   I have a suspicion that if we do seek Him we will find that there is something that is within our hearts that He wants to address.  With Abram, He wanted to divide the soul from the spirit as He led Him to a place of trust.  This act of following God into the uncomfortable places if we let Him lead will lead us to true peace.  Our lives are a series of tests.  God tests us by refining our hearts.  In order to refine them He must be allowed to add heat that brings the impurities to the surface.  This is incredibly hard for us prideful humans to allow or accept.  When the impurities come to the surface He can clear them away if we will allow.  We cannot be purified if we do not "feel" it.  We will always feel it.  It will feel bad.  When we know the heart of God then we can trust it.

The fundamental point is that we need to know the heart of God.  If we do not know His heart we will interpret His actions in a manner that distances us from Him.  We may interpret that His actions are not His actions.  Any unbelief brings division and can create strongholds in our lives.  We must believe that His judgement and correction in our lives comes from a heart of love.  In the end of the age this will be very important.  The church will be divided.  The church will  think that it is honoring God when it will actually be killing the true servants of God.  We do this to a degree now.  If you harbor ideas about God's people that are not true and motivated by God's heart then you are harboring hate.  There is either love or non-love.  That is it.  No middle ground.  Please seek to humble yourself before God and ask Him to show you His judgements in your life so that you can honor Him and get on board with it.   We need to ask Him to purify us now so that we can be those who seek treasure in the heart of God to share with others.  I hope that you are able to discern the love of God in your life.  It may not always look or feel like we imagine love should look or feel like.  God has never ceased to love any of us.  It is a matter if we will open our eyes and ears to hear and see what He is actually accomplishing in our lives.  May the peace of God fill your heart with Joy.  May you enjoy the calling of God to let your heart be His.  May you enjoy the pain of tearing idols away from the flesh of your heart so that you can be only His.

Discernment

What is it?

Who could possibly say they know?  It is vitally important for us to have discernment.  Wisdom, Who has it?  Discretion, How could we live without it?  Knowledge, Without it we perish.  Faith, oh we of little faith!  Righteousness, our righteousness must exceed that of the pharisees or we will not enter into the Kingdom of Heaven!

Jesus is our example.  He is also our judge.  He is a just judge.  He was tempted in the way that all men are.  He persevered to the end with a heart of love and we killed Him refusing His offer of freedom.  He is the greatest judge. There are two laws in effect.  The law of sin and death and the law of life in Christ Jesus.  Two laws.  Inescapable laws.  These laws both come from the heart of God.  God has never changed.  The law of sin and death was first.  It is still in effect.  It is the first step.  The law of Life in Christ Jesus supersedes the former.  This law is a law that takes affect when one is judged by the former law and the individual leans on the judge and pleads for mercy.  Make no mistake, if we do not lean on our judge and cry out in our hearts for mercy we will not be judged by the law of Life in Christ Jesus, but by the former.  I can say this fairly confidently because I have spent many hours before my Judge in tears asking for Him to make me like Him.  I am not much like Him, buy my heart yearns to be so.  This doesn't make me awesome or anything lame like that.  It humbles me.  It gives me the courage to speak this truth to you.

Back to discernment.  What is it?  Who has it?  How can we trust it?  Do I have any?  Does she have any?  Do the people I live near have any?  Jesus expects that we will have it.  He mentions in matthew and other places that those who have more will be given to them and those who do not have that what they have will be taken from them.  This seems to me to be a fundamental principle that we don't hear much about.  We are expected to have all the things that God desires for us to have because He has offered them to us.  If we are lacking it is because we have neglected to take the Kingdom of Heaven by force.  We will take with force the things that are most valuable to us.  James 4 says, "you do not have because you do not ask."  It also says that we fight and war to get the things that we want.  If we wanted God we would fight and war to get it.  If we wanted God we would ask Him to give us a willingness to accept more of Him in our lives.  If we wanted God we would be willing to let go of all the lesser pleasures in life.  We can only serve one master.  It is impossible to be divided.  We will serve the challenger to love if we don't give our lives to Love.

I think about God quite a bit.  I know a little about Him.  I know Him a little.  I love what I know.  I know that there is sin in my life that turns my heart sour and creates apathy towards God.  I don't know God in the way that I am expected to.  Jesus always called those to turn from their old lives and follow Him.  He never gave them a list of how they could improve their marginal lives of worldly concerns.  He said, "follow me."  In my attempt to follow Jesus this idea of discernment comes up.  Popular Christian discernment is not discernment at all but something called fear.   I know what that is.  Discernment is not skepticism.  If there is anything that is opposite of discernment it is skepticism.  There are certain features of the two that may make them seem similar but once again make no mistake, they are not the same.  Jesus had discernment and He entertained Judas for a time and even allowed Him to attend His last few moments with His friends.  I had a birthday recently and was quite rude to an individual who offended my trust and ensured that he realized he was not invited to my silly night out for drinks with friends.  Jesus was not primarily concerned with people not offending His trust.  Jesus was primarily interested in hearing the words of God and sharing those in the appropriate times in the appropriate ways.  His appropriation was not like ours.  It had nothing to do with protecting the sensitivities of the human pride.  He let prostitutes grovel at His feet without telling them that He loved them.  He in His wisdom and discernment let them honor Him with tears and humility.  His gift of grace was in the judgement, "He who has not sinned let him cast the first stone."  He didn't say, "get up off the ground with your crying.  You don't deserve this.  You didn't have sex with all of those men who want to throw stones at you.  You didn't invade the sanctity of marriages with your loose ways.  I like you just how you are!"  He did not say that.  Please bear with me.  That woman was me.  I know.  I just feel the need to state that God's love is not the same thing as the love that hippies promote.  It is not the love that the middle class soccer mom has for her selfish-ass child that has no respect for others. God's love is different.  It is quite a bit different than my love.

We need to begin to discern the love of God.  We need to discern that Gods love is not free, but that it is freely given.  To receive God's love will cost everything.  We must forsake all and follow Him.  God disciplines those He loves.  Love always has a disciplinary component.  The beloved should long for a transformation of the heart into one that is in unity with the lover.  I will give you what I think is the inside scoop...this thing that is life is so important!  It is not a game.  It is not a stage for a play that is your life.  It is a avenue with flashing lights seeking to get your attention and the question is will you follow the things that are most "obvious" or will you seek God realizing that the lights seeking to get your eyes are not lights that shine on the narrow path?  Life is a test.  God is testing your heart!  That is what life is, a test.  Will you forsake your creator, or will you resist all the flashy foolishness that men spend all of their futile lives seeking.

Most people who would be willing to read this blog are people who at some level value the idea of God.  Valuing God as a principle is foolish.  Humbling yourself before God and making your whole life about His purposes is not.  Jesus is not coming back for a bride who really doesn't care about Him.  He is coming back for a bride who will only have Him as her own!  His bride is a bride who realizes who He is!  His bride is beautiful because of His love!  She has been purified by His love and His blood!  She was born in shame!  She has nothing to give but her heart and her eyes!  This is what God wants! He wants hearts and eyes!  A foolish virgin thinks she has time to relax at His delay.  She is not worthy of His love and will not be allowed to attend the wedding.  This is the gospel.  The good news is that those who are not worthy will not be let in.  It is an exclusive event!  Only those who have been broken by God will be allowed.  The other part of that good news is that it is not that we fulfill the first law, which we can't; but that we respond to the Love of God, and the corresponding blood of Christ, with humility and appreciation, which we can do!

I apologize that most of my writings presented here are never edited when I first post.  Some of them I don't have the courage to go back to yet to correct.  I do edit a bit in the process which inadvertently creates new problems, tense inconsistencies.  Many times I get heavy handed with this "you" speak.  Many times I try to go back a day later or so and change it to "we" and "our" because it seems more inclusive and true.  When I do this I create all kinds of oversights.  I apologize, yet I realize that this is mostly for me as a placeholder.  I am getting the concepts out in their infant forms so that I can raise them into children that will go out into the world to change and challenge the hearts of men.

table of contents

My book may start something like this

Chapter 1:  Not All Things That Are Possible Are Likely...Until They Are

From the moment you read these words I want you to make a commitment to Love One Woman for the rest of your life.  If you are a woman, that you would commit yourself to loving one man.  I want you to commit that your love will go above and beyond all measures of appropriateness  to ensure that this person you have chosen will  be supported in the calling on their life, the call to being transformed by the knowledge of God.  This is a commitment that you will do whatever it takes to agree with the workings of God in their life.  When God's challenges to them cause discomfort to you, decide right now that you will submit yourself in humility and wisdom to God's work, that you will trust in Him to fulfill His purposes.  This calling on their life will become one of the greatest challenges in your life.  God's challenge to you is that you would commit and live with an unwavering trust that by giving yourself to God's work in another's life that you would be transformed into the person that God is creating you to be.  To serve this person that God has put into your life you will lay down your own which is a great honor.  This is who you were called to be!  You can step up to this calling and live with great joy as one who is blessed and honored by God as you become like Him.


Now That I am unable to surf Wikipedia at work for all the various knowledge that intrigues me I have decided to work on my book.  I have my very first version of a Table of Contents.  It is my first attempt and I know it will change.

1.  Love One Woman (introducing the concept of living for one love)
2.  A Woman Wants A Man (a man needs to be a man, defining what a man is in God's eyes)
3.  Eyes To See And Ears To Hear (knowing what you are looking for)
4.  Creating Expectations, Hopes, And Dreams (how to think about the future in a way that heightens love)
5.  The Honest Approach (the way to start a relationship, defining the parameters of heart goals)
6.  Protecting Integrity In Community (not cheating the system, holding each other accountable)
7.  A Place of Safety (creating an environment of love, safety, and commitment to commitment)
8.  Show Your Cards (being open and honest about fears, dreams, weakness and hopes)
9.  Picking Out a Ring (a word of courage to making a commitment before God to love this woman forever)
10.  You Can Do It!  (get engaged, married, and have kids...it never killed anyone, except for those it did)
11.  Adjusting To Change (living in a new paradigm, embracing it with courage and sharing with others the joy of being courageous)

I started mulling this over a little over a year ago.  I was really excited about it and was at a place in life that was very challenging in many ways.  I had the joy of being in a relationship for awhile and I got excited about the notion of maybe being able to write my book from a place that had a little more experience, so I opted for gaining experience.  I want to use this outline to make a better structure for something that I believe is on the heart of God.  I believe that God want's His people to love with integrity and hope in a way that is lasting.  Our culture has fed us lies and the church has yet to effectively combat those lies, but has rather has supported them.  God wants us to enjoy the gift of one another.  We have to be awake to God's design and heart for relationships in order to recognize them and exist within them in honor.  The mode that we exist in at this moment in history with regards to relationships is a lie and full of deception.  We promote the idea of testing the waters and learning what we like and don't like in potential mates is a good thing.  This is not a good thing.  We are directly encouraged to be deal breakers.  We are encouraged to defraud our brothers and sisters in Christ.  We are encouraged to be selfish and make sure we find a person who we deem assets to our goals and imaginations.  What frequently happens is that at the end of this process when we are sufficiently disenfranchised and jaded with our silly notions that we then settle for who is willing to embrace our broken lives at that moment, at that moment when we finally realize that our notions are no longer that interesting or lasting.  We have become different people with different ideas.  Breaking each others hearts and learning to be heart breakers has no value in the Kingdom of God.  I want to encourage a new generation to be people of courage.


Not all things that are possible are probable...until they are!

"A crushed reed He will not break."

yipee!

"Now the natural man does not receive the things from the Spirit of God- to him they are nonsense!  Moreover, he is unable to grasp them, because they are evaluated through the Spirit." Corinthians 2:14

I want to present this idea as humbly as I can.  I present it as a concept.  I don't want to be so foolish to think that I am much more than a natural man.  When we come to Christ He gives us a new nature.  We being men are still in contact with all the forces of the old nature.  We are in a manner of speaking natural men with an invitation to be much more than that.  Our natural state is to be natural men.  Men from nature with natures that are natural.  Our basic and inherent features are those of animals.  We are worse than animals because we can harbor sin in our hearts.  Animals are not judged for their ways.  They can do what they do and it is as it is and is supposed to be.  God did not create animals for intimate companions He created men for that.  We are to acknowledge God as created things yet with the breath that is different from the other breaths in the land.  God breathed His life into when you became a new creation.  Though we are new creations be can pick and chose as we will.  The things that are natural to God are supernatural to man.  It is in fact the essence of the Kingdom of God.  The Kingdom of God is not anything like this world excepting the references that we can make to it with the only knowledge that we have, which is natural knowledge.  Our limitation of knowledge and its corresponding words are what we are forced to use for things that we do not understand.  Try telling someone that you love them.  You will use a word like love because it is what you have knowing good and well that it really has no meaning that can be transferred by its usage.  The words will have no meaning without the sense of connection being established to support it.

This is part of what the scripture above is referring to.  God is an expanse of ever increasing proportion that we get to be transformed by in relationship.  There is no limit to the knowledge of God.  In this life we will never even scratch the surface of knowing Him as He is, but we are given a glimpse that will never cease to be an exponential experience even in the limited nature of what we can know.  I mean this in a very realistic way.  All of the knowledge of man and what it eludes to in all areas of interest is but a drop in the ocean of what we can know about God in this world.  He is greater in a way that is unable to be compared to any of the created things that capture our attention.  We being men, and mostly of the lesser intelligent ones frequently think our ways are pretty legit.  They are not.  We are natural men with natural thoughts.  We are self-referential by nature.  There are very few phrases in human nature that are not born of self-reference.  Only those things that are Kingdom references have much value as statements that can be made by the mouths of men.  We are lucky and honored to be able to say, "Holy, Holy, Holy!"  Only a revelation from heaven can reveal this to a man.  Any man can say it.  We desperately need men with a revelation of who God is revealing Himself to be in the present.  We need to be present.  We need to present ourselves to God asking Him to reveal Himself to us humble men from the dirt of the earth, not much more than animals.  God desires to reveal Himself to us.  I don't want to sound mean, but our notion of who God is is really shallow and self-referential.  We want God to be with us so we can have great interesting lives that are "kingdom" lives but we seem to overlook the very basic premise of the Kingdom.   The Kingdom is one that must be entered.  We do not exist in it.  To enter we must be:  meek, hungry, thirsty, poor in spirit, and prone to mourn.  If we are these things we will likely be: be pure in heart, making peace, showing mercy, and being persecuted for it.

These things that are requisites seem like very strange things to be persecuted for.  We are promised by Jesus that if we Love Him we will enter through the doors of these things to meet Him.  Jesus says that He, "did not come to bring peace but a sword!" Matt 10:34  He goes on to say that He came to make set those of one's own household against him.  He said that if we love those whom are closest to us more than Him that we are not worthy of Him.  The idea that I see in this passage of scripture is that we are not to shrink back from sharing His word that He whispers in our ears to those who we have much to loose in this world from our obedience.  If He were to whisper into my ear that the church is full of deception and is enflamed with passion for lovers whose genitals were like donkeys and  have emissions like horses then I would have a lot to lose  by sharing that with you.  You will not like me if I tell you that is what God is saying to you.

Here is what I am telling you.  God is calling you to lend Him your ear.  He wants to share with you who He is.  He is very kind and gentle to the humble.  He will resist you at great length if you are proud.  If you are proud you will not realize it.  One who God is resisting is likely not to know it.  The only way to know that God is not resisting you is to be broken and mourning in His presence seeking His Kingdom to break into this world.  That is pretty much the only way to tell.  Those who cast off the present pleasures of this world to embrace mourning and intercession are those whom are inheriting the Kingdom.  If you are seeking a life of 21'st Century Christian Kingdom entitlement complete with the honor of men you get exactly what you are looking for, acceptance from man...for a time.  A natural man wants natural things.  I am not God.  I am not much like Him.  I am a man with natural desires and natural distractions with temptations that originate within.  I will war and fight to get the things I want just like you.  I will fight for things that I have not even asked for.  When I don't get what I want even after asking I may murder and covet to get it.  Jesus makes it very clear that these things happen in our hearts.  Murdering and coveting in our hearts is no better than doing so in the flesh.  It is good for others  that we do not do these things, but the fact that we do not do them is exactly like washing the exterior of a glass to present it as clean without having ever cleaned the inside.  This is what pride is.  Pride is thinking one is doing fairly well because the outside of the glass looks good yet there is nothing but death inside.

A natural man will not receive the word that the inside of the glass is full of death and filth.  This must be spiritually discerned.  I am not sure what to do with this.  If the thought makes you cringe it is likely because you have no understanding.  If it sets your heart free it is because you do have some understanding.  If the word brings tears to your eyes because you realize that we are all bound to sin and are missing the great Glory and Honor of bowing your head to the King then you may be inheriting the Kingdom right now.  This life is not what it seems.  Life is a test.  That is about it.  Life can be very fulfilling and full of Hope and Love.  This hope needs to be in God.  This hope needs to be rooted and grounded in love.  Love is rooted in mourning and compassion that comes through intercession.  We must have God reveal to us who He is.  We have to see who we are.  When we accept the forgiveness for who we are and what we are, we can take that forgiveness and extend it to others.  We can extend it with great vigour because of what we know from our revelation of who Christ is.  These ideas must be spiritually discerned.  Seek God.  Ask Him to reveal Himself to you.  Ask Him to cast down all your notions that exalt themselves against the Knowledge of God that agree with the demonic wisdom that you are inclined to agree with.

One of the most secretive deceptions and lies that thrives in the church is that we can justify the boundaries that we have set up with those in the church.   I will be very forward here.  The church is full of divorce.  Full of divorce!  Don't be foolish, this is not ok.  Divorce is not ok!  We have created a notion that we serve a God who wants us to be happy and that if we are not then He wants us to be in situations where we feel loved and appreciated.  Of course He wants us to feel loved and appreciated, but not at the cost of your integrity!  Ask Joseph if he felt loved and appreciated as he endured betrayal and condemnation by those who had no discernment.  This man had to leave the room to cry every time he stood before His brothers years later walking in his "calling" as God was preparing to reveal his grace to them.  He let Joseph's brothers "murder" their brother so that in due time their foolish ways would be apparent to them and they would have to acknowledge the way of sin in their lives.  Divorce is not God's heart!  Many of us who are not married have many divorces in our hearts.  Jesus says that that whom God has joined let no man separate!  If your mate has a quality that is upsetting it is not a reason for you to bail.  Hosea loved his wife even through great infidelity as an honor to God and His love for His Bride.  Abraham gave his wife up twice and lied to protect his "future".  I cannot imagine the betrayal that Sarah would have felt at this gesture.  She did not leave him.  Her faith was in God.  She knew that God comforts those who mourn.  She persisted and was given a promise of faith!  God revealed Himself to them through her commitment to the covenant of being one with Abram and more importantly the covenant with God that was referenced in the human relationship.

We want others to know the Love of God, yet we don't know the Love of God.  God's love is committed.  It is committed to the truth.   It is not committed to allowing you to feel free from the Law, It is committed to you fulfilling the Law through Love.  When you hurt another you are to take it seriously and seek forgiveness.  When another hurts you you are to seek forgiveness.  Seek the Kingdom of God.  Jesus teaching us about the Kingdom says we are to pray like this... that His Kingdom would come and His will be done on earth like it is in Heaven.  That we would share in His bread.  That He would forgive us in the same manner that we have forgiven others.  We are forgiven for breaking His Law.  We are being forgiven from a law that was a Law of Love, yet the requirements of that Law were not sufficient to purify the heart of man.  It was a law that was sealed with the blood of animals.  Jesus changed the nature of the law by giving His own blood.  We are to do the same.  We must fulfill the His Law, a Law of love.  The law remains.  Jesus says our righteousness needs to far exceed that of the Pharisees or we will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven.  Divorce is breaking a covenant that was sealed by blood between a man and his wife as a symbol of the blood that was shed by Jesus to bring us into a covenant with Him!  My aim is not to condemn, but to set the record straight.  It is not ok to break covenant.  God doesn't encourage you to do so...maybe your friends do but they are foolish virgins with no oil in their lamps!  Don't be a foolish virgin.  Hearken your ear to God.  When this is all over God's love will cover us all.  It is not over!   Be a wise virgin.  Love your wife, love your husband!  Love them!  The greatest love one can give is their own blood, their own life.  Frustrated hopes and dreams are not so great that you should forsake God and adulterate.   I want all of us to experience hope, love, joy and appreciation in relationship.  If I had a message it would be that God wants to express these things in relationships between men and women.  I know this is true.  These things are only attainable if we are committed to God more than we are to ourselves or to our mates.  This commitment to God is expressed in honoring our commitment to one another.

well, i have to go.  the coffee shop is closing

So if you are offering your gift at the Temple altar and you remember there that your brother has something against you,  leave your gift where it is by the altar, and go, make peace with your brother. 

I just spoke with a wonderful individual from New York. As we were finishing our conversation he told me that he had been sleeping with the same woman for 62 years. "Good for you", I told him.  He had a great peace in his voice as he said, "I am pretty proud of that." It was a great statement!  We need this joy in our world. Be true.