I will trust in You

I have been trying my hardest to be a man of integrity and openness.  I believe in hope though I see great resistance to it in this world.  I have really tried.  I know that I fail, but when I fail I get up and ask for forgiveness from those I hurt.  I am not innocent by any stretch, but sometimes I feel like I am a bit naive.  In all my relationships I have tried to bring hope.   I see beauty and am committed to it.   I know that I will get what I desire.  Living with hope can be such a challenge due to constant confrontation with things against the object of hope.  When I look around most of what I see is broken relationships and living that is so much lower than what we were designed for.  I see this in the lives of my friends, in my life.  I want God to break in and deliver us. The hardest part for me as a man is realizing that my desire to see God manifest in the lives of those that I love does not mean that I will see this in a time that  suits my desire.  Some of us will give our hearts to God 30 years from now.  This is a success.  It is a success that is hard for me to accept.  The person that I love and wish I could give my heart to may not embrace the love that God is allowing to be extended to them.  Love is frequently rejected.  Jesus was rejected.  He was the most loving man to walk in the earth and very few accepted His love.  He never hurt anyone and only had love.  How much worse for us that actually hurt people and still try to extend love.  The scripture says, "they will know us by our love for each other."  I am hurting.  

Ecclesiastes 7:3  Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of countenance the heart is made good.

My countenance is sad.  My countenance is sad but my heart is being made good.  I asked God to conform me into His image and He is letting me learn obedience through suffering.  I said that I wanted to be a man of love.  Being a man of love means that we get to love with open hands and when our love is not accepted we still maintain love.  We do not act in anger.  If I give my heart to a woman and she is not ready for it I must maintain love.  I must know that my life is in God's hands.  It is terribly painful to be human.  The only hope is that we can experience the pain with a heart of love.  When it hurts we just say that it hurts.  Yes, I am hurting.  Please God give me a heart of love!  Our lives are a vapor.  We are only here for a moment.  I want to live my moment with hope and joy.  I want to enjoy my lot.  I want to love the wife of my youth.  I want to give good gifts to my children.  I want to be a father.  I want to be a source of life.  I want to give.  I want to find treasure in the heart of God and bring it back to give to those who are worthy of the honor of being given the good gifts of God.  This is the deepest desire of my heart.  To be a man of love. 

Ecclesiastes also says that "two is better than one."  I want to be two.  I want a friend who wants to go on the great journey of life with me.  I want a friend that sees my heart and who God is making in me.  I want to encourage her in who God is making her.  Our lives are a vapor.  Live with a heart of integrity.  Don't run from a sadness of countenance.  Let your heart be made good.  It has been because of my sadness of countenance that I am able to see you for who you are.  I love you.  Please take this to heart.  I want to see your eyes.  

                  My dove, hiding in holes in the rock, 

in the secret recesses of the cliff, 

let me see your face and hear your voice; 

for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely

                  How beautiful you are, my love!

                  How beautiful you are! 

                        Everything about you is beautiful, my love; 

                        you are without a flaw. 

Not my will be done, but Yours God.  My heart will trust in You.  Though You slay me I will trust in You.