why not be utterly changed into fire?

For some reason I have a desire to be open about my weakness.  I guess I believe that by being open it will free me from the things that I would be tempted to hide. In a way I hope it gives others the courage to do the same.  I am a man.  I am a human.  I am very adamant about this.  It is so important for us to be honest about what we are if we are going to speak God's word.

My whole life I have had an impression that I have been set apart for God.  I have spent most of my time trying to avoid this notion.   The last ten years of my life, the most formative adult years I have resisted this idea that I should be responsible for a calling on my life that I did not choose.  I have not wanted to be a leader.  I have been intimidated to follow Christ.  There have been moments of complete surrender in my heart and then moments of running the other way. There are many reasons for this.  

1.  As much as I love communicating ideas,  I hate the idea of influencing others.  

2.  Jesus calls us to walk away from everything and requires total trust in Him.

3.  God is persistent in purifying our hearts and minds and will not relent. 

4.  We cannot move forward unless we actively participate in God's present challenge in our lives.

5.  My opinion and ability to choose my own way is usually in direct opposition to His way.  

6.  There is no room for hanging on to the old ways of the flesh.  We must let go.

There are other reasons.  The fundamental point is that to follow Jesus we must continue following Him.  We must go wherever He goes.  If we stop following Him then we are subject to the consequences of making our own decisions. Our way naturally aligns with powers aimed to destroy our life, our joy, our hope, our destiny.  

 I want to accept the calling on my life.  I am a broken man.  I am familiar with sin.  I am familiar with hope.  I am familiar with having a heart fraught with fear and disappointment.  I have had things in my life that entangle me and distract me from pursuing God with a whole heart.  The last ten years of my life there has been an undercurrent of searching.  Just to be very honest and clear about that there have been two things that I have been looking for: one being direct, one being more hidden.  I have been looking for a bride.  I have been looking for a woman who had a heart of courage and a desire to pursue God with me.  A woman who can see me as a broken man, like all of us are, yet with the wisdom to agree with the calling God has on my life.  This calling, this thing that God is forming me into can only be revealed by God.  Without eyes to see and ears to hear this calling cannot be discerned.  I have been looking for this woman with great hope.  I have yet to sail this ship into harbor, to pick up my brid and take her with me on the quest to see the glory of God revealed in this earth.  This has been one of the greatest desires and hopes that I have had and still is.  I may be sailing alone, but I am sailing.  I am confident that no human decision can hold me from the destiny that God has for me.  He wants me to have the desire in my heart because He has put it in me.  My desire is pure.  I may not be a perfect man, but God is creating a heart of gold in me.

The other desire is probably really a desire that in a manner of speaking precedes the one above.  I grew up without a dad or father figure in my life. It's not a shocking statement.  Most of us have not. This does not make the tragedy any less tragic.  The basic quality of God is that He is a father.  Since I did not have a father I have never really resolved that missingness.  Since I do not know what it means to have a dad in my life I really only know so much about what life really is and how to relate to others with integrity.  -- i know that having man people in our lives does not guarantee that we will get what we should from them -- We all need men in our lives with wisdom, integrity and insight...the same quality of wisdom and revelation from God is necessary as  above. We need them to take responsibility for encouraging us in the things that God has for us.  We need them to show us what it is to be men.  Showing us what it means to love a woman.  A couple of years ago I  realized that God was calling me to be this man.  I did not have a father and I will never have one.  This does not mean that God is less than what He is because of it.  God still wants me to be that man.  He wants me to be a father to the fatherless.  The thing that I have desired so much is the thing that He wants me to be.  I get to be something the I have never had.  I get to learn to love a woman by loving a woman.  I get to learn to be a dad by being a dad.  This role is paramount to having a balanced life. 

Relating this to the church becomes a metaphor that seems suitable.  I am not an anomaly.  I see the church as being a pretty unsafe place to be, though slightly more safe than other places.  We are all abandoned children.  Our leaders have been completely negligent and self-serving.  We have not been encouraged to be like Christ, but rather to be like them.  There are wolves among us.  These people are stealing the hearts of the children of the Kingdom, the Bride of Christ.  We are in a very volatile time.  This is very obvious.  We are in a more precarious time in the spirit than what is seen in this world.  I have seen too many "good people/good christians" make terrible decisions and judgements and try to stand behind them with total confidence.  There is no integrity or commitment in the church as a whole.  We like confessing with our mouths but we are completely unable to believe in our hearts.  Our hearts are tied up by sin and the pride of life (evidenced by how we adamantly protect our ability to chose and discard).  I do these things.  Seeing this and experiencing it on a personal level breaks my heart.  All I can do is think, "where are our leaders?"  and I have to see that God has been calling me for 10 years or more to be a leader.  I have been seeking to find confidence in the leadership of others yet God has been wanting me to follow Him.  If we follow God we are leading.  Just the act of following Him is what the whole thing is about.  I challenge you to ask God what it is in your life that you are desperately holding on to that is holding you back from following Him.  This thing, which will be directly tied to you being able to chose it, or at least feel like you can, and therefore will require you to chose to let it go in order to surrender and follow Him.  

Please be honest with yourself.  Our lives suck.  I hate to say it, but it is true.  Without having God at the center of our lives and decisions we are living shitty lives, no matter what you tell yourself.  Speak truth to your heart.  There is a desire to be wholly God's and there is a internal conflict that can only be resolved by submitting to one or the other.  Submit to God.  Love yourself.  Love others.  Be a source of forgiveness.  Humble yourself before God and men.  Find the person that you have hurt and seek forgiveness and reconciliation.   The whole Bible is about about this.  It is not ok to judge those who were created in the image of God and imagine that He will not judge us with the same measure.  God has a heart for us to be full.  We can refuse this by our actions and decisions.  It hurts to let God muck around in the painful stuff in our lives.  Let Him do it.  The only way to freedom is through the fire.  

And the father explained, "You've been somewhat deceived
You've all called me your dad, but your true Dad's not me
I lay next to your mom and your forms were conceived
Your Father's the light within all that you see

He fills up the ponds as He empties the clouds
Holds without hands and He speaks without sounds
He provides us with the cow's waste and coconuts to eat
Giving one that nice salt taste, and the other its sweet

Sends the black carriage the day death shows its face
Thinning our numbers with kindness and grace
And just as a flower and its fragrance are one
So must each of you and your Father become

Now distribute my scepter, my crown, and my throne
And all we've known as wealth to the poor and alone"
Without further hesitation, without looking back home
The king flew headlong into the blazing unknown

And as the smoke ring hurled higher and higher
The troops flying loops around the telephone wires
They said, "Our beloved's not dead, but his highness instead
Has been utterly changed into fire"

Why not be utterly changed into fire?
Why not be utterly changed into fire?
Why not be utterly changed into fire?
Why not be utterly changed into fire?

-- mewithoutyou --